If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.