When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
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Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!