Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
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Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!