“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
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During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The best plant holders?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
🤣🤣💀
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3