I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
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*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I have no passwords left in me
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.