Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
You Might Also Like
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Catering service
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills