screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
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Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.