Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
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Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
😲 WTF? 😆
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.