[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
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Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead