Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
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Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.