Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I was just discussing this with my cat
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.