5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
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Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
They did not miss in the small print
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
こいつ天才