do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
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“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Greeting humans vs their dogs
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.