My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Finally! 😈
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”