whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
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Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.