If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
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[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation