If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
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I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.