My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
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I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair