I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
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Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.