Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Truth
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.