“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
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I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
The pasta is now
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Wasn’t this a cartoon.