“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
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The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
☺️
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day