Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
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No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.