[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
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therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.