Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
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I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
All is fair in drunk and war.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
If you had more money you’d be happier.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
this could fix me
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.