I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
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It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Monday?
No. Next question.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol