“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
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Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.