Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans