So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
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Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.