I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
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Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
concern
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?