My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
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There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Mouse
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.