me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
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Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.