I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them