ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
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Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.