The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
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Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot