My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach