[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.