If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
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“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
the official breakfast of 2021
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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