Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
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The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
this is me
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.