My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
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Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.