We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
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I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.