MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
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the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.