ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
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Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
If snakes were wide
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
moms in horror movies
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.