Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
LOL
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
and now we wait
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.