The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
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In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.