My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
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*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Thank you corporation very cool
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.