Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
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if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Woke up against my better judgment again
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
uncle dave has been through hell
translated into Canadian
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Saturday
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream