My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
You Might Also Like
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
we’re gonna need another temp
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song