word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
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Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
New comic up. “Ransom”