*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
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You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.